Owning Your Story…

We each have a story that we have lived and hold within us everyday. These stories are filled with courage, strength, survival, thriving, mending, and overcoming. When we share our story we take power over what we have lived (or what we are living). We become stronger. I’ve also noticed, from sharing mine, that it has helped others open up about their own experiences. It has shown someone that they are not alone, it has provided hope, and others have opened up and shared their own story. It has started a conversation!

A friend and I are starting work on a book which will feature a collection of life stories about survival, coping, mending, recovery and acceptance. Sharing your story doesn’t mean your life has to be perfect. No one’s life is perfect…I have been in recovery from major depression for years but my life is not perfect. I have setbacks and sometimes I feel down. But, I have more control over my illness than I once did. I have owned my story, my ongoing struggles, my rape, my abuse, and my mental illness. My good days last longer than my bad days. I now want to share my story to help others and this is what we hope our book accomplishes. By sharing your story, you not only will be owning it but you will also be helping others see that they are not alone in what they have experienced. There is power in numbers. We want to break the silence of mental illness!

If you would like to share your story or are interested and would like to learn more, you can contact us at OwnYourLifeStory@gmail.com. We are readily available to answer your questions. All is kept confidential. Our book will not use real names and all participants will sign a release of information before any story is published.

~Susan

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

My previous blog post was about psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is basically talk therapy. An individual meets with a trained mental health professional in a private, confidential setting to discuss their current/past life experiences, emotions, relationships, and struggles (National Alliance on Mental Illness, https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy). The therapist works with the person to make connections with these experiences and assists them in developing healthy coping skills and adapting to life changes. For individuals living with a mental disorder, a therapist enables them to better manage the symptoms of their illness and function at their best in life (National Institute of Mental Health, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/psychotherapies/index.shtml).

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, or NIMH, cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT,  is a form of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Aaron Beck in the 1960’s (NIMH, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/psychotherapies/index.shtml). It combines the thoughts of the two theories, Cognitive theory, developed by Dr. Jean Piaget, and Behavioral Theory, developed by B. F. Skinner. Cognitive theory focuses on an individual’s “thoughts and beliefs, and how they influence,” their moods and behavior. The goal of cognitive therapy, or CT, is to help the individual change their thinking, so they can better adapt to life experiences in a healthy way. Behavioral therapy examines an individual’s actions and assists them in changing unhealthy patterns in their behaviors. Therefore, CBT helps and individual “focus on his or her current problems and how to solve them.”

“CBT helps a person focus on his or her current problems and how to solve them. Both patient and therapist need to be actively involved in this process. The therapist helps the patient learn how to identify distorted or unhelpful thinking patterns, recognize and change inaccurate beliefs, relate to others in more positive ways, and change behaviors accordingly.”

CBT can be used for a variety of mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and eating disorders. The National Institute of Mental Health article at http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/psychotherapies/index.shtml shares more on CBT and how it works with each disorder.

CBT believes that the way a person thinks and feels impacts how they behave.

What is Psychotherapy?

When I first sought therapy many years ago I was hesitant, scared, and didn’t know what to expect. All I knew about therapy was what I’d seen in the movies and on television. My desperation overruled my fear and I am glad that I went. I am still in therapy today and it has done wonders. It, along with my hard work, a good support system, and medication has helped me to reach recovery and maintain it. I would not be here without the combination.

What is psychotherapy? It is basically talk therapy. Other terms include “counseling, psychosocial therapy, or simply therapy” (Mayo Clinic, http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/psychotherapy/home/ovc-20197188). An individual, usually someone living with a mental disorder, seeks therapy from a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or other trained mental health professional. The person will learn about their illness, treatment, how to cope with life, and manage their symptoms (National Institute of Mental Health, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/psychotherapies/index.shtml).

We could all benefit from having a confidential confidante to share our innermost thoughts and concerns. To have someone we can depend upon for professional, not just emotional, advice and guidance. For someone living with a mental disorder, such as depression and anxiety, it does wonders (I speak of these two specifically due to the fact that I struggle with these).

There are several different types of psychotherapy. Tomorrow, I plan to blog about the type of psychotherapy called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT. Please stay tuned for tomorrow’s blog post.

Also, I’d love to hear from each of you about what you’d like to read about or discuss. If you are hesitant to share it publically, feel free to email your suggestion to mendingandthriving@gmail.com. I will do my best to cover the topic and research for information about it. Thank you for following and reading my blog.

Susan

What if…

Fear…

  

Question:

What should I write about today? This week? I’d love to hear from you.

Susan

Forgiveness…

It was a bit challenging for me to write about this topic. Why…Because I grew up in a Christian home where I learned the importance of forgiveness. God has forgiven me of my sins and his son died for my sins, therefore I should forgive others who have hurt me. I have heard others talk about their need to forgive, as a Christian, and it hurt my heart to hear the pain in their voices from still feeling the pain of what someone else caused (maybe more than once).

As I’ve mentioned earlier in my blog, I grew up being severely emotionally abused. This abuse continued into my adulthood. It impacted me so bad that I have had professionals tell me that it was a life and death decision for me to decide to continue the relationship or end it. I forgave this person over and over throughout the years and worked extremely hard trying to “fix” what was broken.

In 2004, I had enough and ended the relationship. It was from this, that I learned forgiveness is not an immediate gesture we give someone out of guilt because some individuals think we should because it is what God did for us. God is a supreme being. He knows us all from the moment we are conceived and what we have been through. We, humans, do not have this type of knowledge of everyone. God is perfect. We are not. We cannot be expected to be perfect or to forgive someone of their wrongs repeatedly to the point that it could do detrimental harm to us.

It has been over the years, since 2004, that I have done my own work through what happened to me. My path to forgiveness of what happened has been a journey…a process that I have had to go through. I had to permit myself to fully feel the anger, hurt, frustration, and yes, even hate that I held in my heart. I had to mourn the loss of the relationship, the parental relationship I so longed to have, and heal from some of the damage that was done. I had to learn who I was as a person, become stronger and more assertive, set better boundaries in my life, and learn to say no more.

In 2014, I gradually reconnected with my parents. It has been a good thing. There is more respect for my boundaries and for me, as an adult. I am still guarded and keep my distance but I am also feeling close to them again and appreciating their presence in my life. I feel that this is my way of working toward forgiveness toward them. I have taken my time to become a stronger and better person and I have worked on the strong emotions I once had toward them. I am strong enough to protect myself and they are more respectful of my boundaries.

It is much harder if you cannot, or won’t communicate with the person who did you wrong. Again, I still think it is a process to forgive. It is not as simple as praying and immediately forgiving someone. My ex-husband, for example, was unfaithful to me. In the end, he was unfaithful with a supposed friend of mine. Both betrayed my trust and hurt me. Neither, I am almost positive, feel any regret for what they did. It is up to me to work through those emotions and that is what I have been doing over the past few years. First, I grieved the losses and was angered by all that happened. I have rebuilt my life and, in the process, found love again. The hurt is still there, but it no longer has power over me.

Despite the difficulty of this task, I still wanted to share some articles I found on forgiveness. It was easier for me to share my feelings about it and then share the information. It was difficult to find much on forgiveness and how I feel about it.

One Licensed Marriage and Family therapist, Beverly Engel, says that there are times when it is better to hold on to the anger, especially when it could protect us from being abused again (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/200803/forgive-or-not-forgive-is-the-question). The anger is a protection. She says that anger “can be a powerful motivator, especially for those who have been victimized.” Anger is a strong emotion which can enable one to rise above what happened and fight their way back from abuse and trauma.

An article by David Bedricks also discusses how encouraging someone to immediately forgive can cause shame and dismiss the pain one is suffering (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201409/6-reasons-not-forgive-not-yet). He says there is a natural process to healing and immediate forgiveness can postpone or even remove this process. It is important that individuals move at their own pace toward forgiveness. His article is “6 Reasons Not To Forgive, Not Yet.”

I hope these articles and my examples are helpful. I had a difficult time with the concept of forgiveness. It opened me up to a lot of what the two last authors discuss. I am glad that I finally was able to take the time to process my emotions and work through my anger and hurt; to mourn my losses. Forgiveness is definitely a process and it is up to the individual to decide that path and when to forgive. If they are Christian, pray for the wisdom and guidance on that path toward forgiveness. Pray for healing and self-love.

 

Giveaway Winner is: Lauren!

Congratulations to Lauren who won our first blog giveaway of a journal and pen case! She also celebrated a birthday recently which makes the win doubly wonderful!

Here is some information about our winner:  “I am a happily married mother of two young boys.  I am also a school social worker in san Antonio, Texas.  I love helping children and families with issues like mental illness, poverty and behavior issues.  As a social worker self care is important to staying focused and performing my best.  Reading and writing is part of my self reflection and self care.  I have taken up bible journaling.  This is the perfect journal to keep my reflections on God’s word, and its application in my own life.  My hope is that my sons will be able to read it one day, and have guidance when they need it most.”

I also want to take a moment to thank each one of you for making this blog a success! I am grateful. Have a wonderful day! Susan

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem

Here is a brief recap for those who are just now reading about our recent self-esteem discussion. Self-esteem is our opinion of who we are as a person. It is not based upon fact. Instead it is based upon who we think we should be…our idea of the ideal person. When we feel that we are not meeting this standard, we run the risk of developing low self-esteem.

The thoughts we have about ourselves fluctuate throughout the day, depending on what is happening around us. It is when our negative self-regard becomes fixed, and mostly negative, that we develop low self-esteem. Abuse, being bullied, a failed relationship, an extended illness or accident are several examples which can lead to someone having low self-esteem. Experiences later in life can also contribute to low self-esteem, such as a bad job experience, a failed marriage, or financial problems, for example.

Fortunately, we can improve our self-esteem. This is something that I recently told my therapist that I would like to work on. In addition to counseling, I am also doing my own self-esteem work at home. I found a set of modules on improving self-esteem that I have been working on. The modules are free and are at http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47. I am currently on module 3. It is interesting and helpful so far.

In one of the modules, it says that we pay attention to the outside messages that confirm our personal beliefs about self. So, if we think of ourselves as a bad person, we will pay more attention and notice the messages which indicate that we are a bad person than we would the messages around us that confirm we are a worthy and decent person. We also engage in behaviors which protect our personal self-beliefs. For example, I have been fearful of failing in my career. I had a bad experience in my graduate school internship with a supervising female who put me down and insulted me and my abilities. My low self-esteem and the bad experience, combined, has led me to avoid taking a licensure exam for my career, to avoid applying for jobs related to my field (I am underemployed as a cashier), and I have a deep fear of failing. My avoidance of these things has been my subconscious way of protecting the negative feelings that I have of myself. I cannot fail (or pass) if I do not take the exam. I cannot find out that the supervising female was wrong or right if I do not apply and take on jobs in my career choice. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy that I am determined to put an end to by working on improving my self-esteem and moving beyond the bad experience I had with the supervising female.

So, how to we work on improving low self-esteem? First, I am working through the ten modules on “Improving Self-Esteem,” located at the above CCI Health link. The information discussed here and in previous blogs (and more) is discussed in a more through manner and there are exercises in each module. I recommend that you take a look at the set of modules.

The first step, according to Emily Roberts, to improving our self-esteem is to become aware of what we have been telling ourselves. If you notice, you’ve been making a lot of would-have, could-have, should-have statements. These statements are not helpful; they are unproductive. Instead of falling into the cycling loop of unhelpful, negative thinking, try focusing on “what you can do,” and concentrate on “moving forward into positive thoughts” (Emily Roberts, http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2012/05/how-to-deal-with-and-overcome-low-self-esteem/). This will be difficult to do, at first, but will get easier the more you do it. It is important that we move out of the past and stop being anchored in it.

Roberts also strongly suggests that we start putting ourselves first and pamper ourselves with self-care. It is a regular reminder to ourselves that we “deserve to feel good,” and these feelings will produce positive inward feelings which will eventually also make their way outwardly. Self-care permits us to shift our “focus into a positive mindset.”

Roberts also recommends that we get out of our heads…”find out what activities increase your self-esteem,” and start doing more of them. She shares that sometimes she has to take a break from work and listen to music, take a walk, talk to someone, or other brief activity to escape what negative thoughts may be going through her head. For me, I enjoy listening to music, reading, taking drives, and spending time with my dog. Sometimes, I’ve been trying to write down, or think about a few positive things about me to take the place of my negative self-talk.

Another suggestion that I have found helpful, as mentioned in the previous statement, is to make a list of your good qualities and abilities (http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/self-esteem.html). From time to time, look over the list. Refer to the list when you are having a rough time. This is similar to positive affirmations discussed in a previous blog post. We could take our list and rephrase each item on the list into a positive affirmation and place a few of them where we can see them each day. I have a positive affirmation box with positive quotes in it. I can go to the box and pull out a supportive quote whenever I am in need of one. I even decorated the box to make it fun.

Another important suggestion from Skills You Need is to take time to relax. I personally think that this is so important. Why? Our negative self-talk is more likely to rear its ugly head when we are the most stressed. Relaxation will quieten the negative self-thoughts and calm us down to where we can focus on more positive, supportive thoughts.

I learned a great idea from a friend of mine many years ago. Whenever she jumped a life hurdle, or accomplished something she was afraid of, she awarded herself…sometimes with an inexpensive piece of jewelry. I have been engaging in this practice. It can be a very inexpensive piece of jewelry. I often look over my jewelry and I see accomplishments and fears that I faced head on, successfully. Sometimes, it was just a presentation or research paper that I’d been dreading that I rewarded myself for completing. It’s something that will put a smile on your face even days, weeks, and years later. Make it a practice to look over these items when you are having the most difficult time coming up with positive thoughts about yourself.

Lastly, associate with positive, encouraging people. Be loving and patient with yourself. You can improve your self-esteem. You CAN do it!

What are some ways you have managed your self-esteem? Please feel free to share your thoughts about this blog post and share some suggested topics you’d like to hear about. Susan