“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green
In 2013, I became a broken marriage statistic. My twenty year married ended and the divorce was finalized in 2014. It has been a downhill and uphill journey. I’ve learned a lot of lessons, have done some self-discovery, and have just recently realized that I need to do something in order to grieve the loss, betrayal, and hurt that occurred in my previous marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, I am now very happy in my second marriage. I am finally learning what love actually feels like. I like where I am now.
Upon the separation and divorce of my first marriage, I focused so much on getting over my first husband and surviving what happened that I neglected to actually mourn the losses, hurt, and betrayal that occurred with the divorce. I had to mourn losing a life that I lived, my house where I’d been living for nine years (I moved a lot growing up and the house was my planted root, so to speak), losing his family (his immediate family completely shut me out), my recovery (it was a set back in my mental health recovery), loss of trust (betrayed by a so-called friend and husband), and grieve the loss of an almost twenty-five year friendship (the ex and I started dating in 1989 and didn’t marry until 1993).
I moved from my house and town of nine years to an apartment. Most of my stuff is still split between several places of storage. The summer of the separation was miserable. The ex-husband and so-called friend carried on their romance under my nose. I was vilified each time I tried to discuss it with the ex. I went so far as to have a counseling session with the so-called friend to try and work things out (my suspicions, why I was having issues with her, apologizing if I was behaving strangely around her). The so-called friend denied the relationship and took no responsibility for what was happening. After the separation, the mistress went so far as to take the victim role, as if she was the one who was wronged. It is hard to deny an affair if you become pregnant.
The ex-husband lied about me to cover up his affair and the pregnancy…trying to hurt my reputation and the person I am. He questioned my mental health and tried to serve the divorce papers to me while I was in the hospital struggling with depression and hurt from what had occurred over the summer. It was hell.
I am rambling and I apologize. I am over the relationship. What I have discovered though, is that I am still struggling with the betrayal and hurt part, as well as the losses that came with the end of our marriage. To help, I am back in therapy and plan on doing some work on these issues.
For those of you who have, or are currently, going through a similar thing, I will share what I learn about this. I am a believer that it is important and extremely beneficial to confront our issues and resolve them as we move through life in order to decrease our emotional baggage. Emotional baggage wears us down and can impact our lives.
What I can say is, for those who are currently going through a similar situation, you will survive what feels, at this time, impossible. The pain is deep and it hurts…but you will make it and be stronger in the end. Don’t give up…