Grieving Divorce/Loss

Grief-recovery“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
John Green

In 2013, I became a broken marriage statistic. My twenty year married ended and the divorce was finalized in 2014. It has been a downhill and uphill journey. I’ve learned a lot of lessons, have done some self-discovery, and have just recently realized that I need to do something in order to grieve the loss, betrayal, and hurt that occurred in my previous marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I am now very happy in my second marriage. I am finally learning what love actually feels like. I like where I am now.

Upon the separation and divorce of my first marriage, I focused so much on getting over my first husband and surviving what happened that I neglected to actually mourn the losses, hurt, and betrayal that occurred with the divorce. I had to mourn losing a life that I lived, my house where I’d been living for nine years (I moved a lot growing up and the house was my planted root, so to speak), losing his family (his immediate family completely shut me out), my recovery (it was a set back in my mental health recovery), loss of trust (betrayed by a so-called friend and husband), and grieve the loss of an almost twenty-five year friendship (the ex and I started dating in 1989 and didn’t marry until 1993).

I moved from my house and town of nine years to an apartment. Most of my stuff is still split between several places of storage. The summer of the separation was miserable. The ex-husband and so-called friend carried on their romance under my nose. I was vilified each time I tried to discuss it with the ex. I went so far as to have a counseling session with the so-called friend to try and work things out (my suspicions, why I was having issues with her, apologizing if I was behaving strangely around her). The so-called friend denied the relationship and took no responsibility for what was happening. After the separation, the mistress went so far as to take the victim role, as if she was the one who was wronged. It is hard to deny an affair if you become pregnant.

The ex-husband lied about me to cover up his affair and the pregnancy…trying to hurt my reputation and the person I am. He questioned my mental health and tried to serve the divorce papers to me while I was in the hospital struggling with depression and hurt from what had occurred over the summer. It was hell.

I am rambling and I apologize. I am over the relationship. What I have discovered though, is that I am still struggling with the betrayal and hurt part, as well as the losses that came with the end of our marriage. To help, I am back in therapy and plan on doing some work on these issues.

For those of you who have, or are currently, going through a similar thing, I will share what I learn about this. I am a believer that it is important and extremely beneficial to confront our issues and resolve them as we move through life in order to decrease our emotional baggage. Emotional baggage wears us down and can impact our lives.

What I can say is, for those who are currently going through a similar situation, you will survive what feels, at this time, impossible. The pain is deep and it hurts…but you will make it and be stronger in the end. Don’t give up…

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Grieving Divorce/Loss

  1. Thank you for writing this, I really needed to hear from someone who has survived this and became stronger. I am not at divorce and my husband and I are currently in individual therapy, and eventually marriage counseling. I told him , I will not continue the marriage without it down the road. Nov., dec., and jan were hell, now a lot of anger and depression has dissipated. I am able to think logically without those strong feelings in the way. I hope that we do not end at divorce and my husband will fully do his part to try and save the marriage. I know I cannot make or control him. How did you get through the lonely feeling through the most difficult times?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My heart and thoughts are with you and your husband. It is great that he is working with you. I turned to counseling, found support and strength in a few close friends and family, and did my best to keep moving forward. Support is so important.

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      1. My family, friends, therapist, I rely on her to help me make fair, respectful, and logical decisions, based on what my husband says or does. My guard is up, he knows what it will take to earn my trust back 100%. He has admitted what were his mistakes he has made in our marriage.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are a brave person. No one can even imagine the emotions that you must have felt. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I was divorced. (now i pretend i was never married).. and the hardest part wasnt losing HIM… it was the family. I thought i was family… they always say ” you are like a daughter to me” or ” you ARE family”… but if there is a separation you quickly learn that is not the case.

    If my children ever get divorced in the future i will not stop caring for people that i care for just because of it. I will not be fake… and for the people that dont do this and are fake…. they are horribly sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, you would think that after years of being a part of a family you would be considered family but people like or assume they have to choose sides. It’s sad, really. I am grateful to those who chose to be genuine, whether it was to stop talking to me (meaning they were fake or never truly cared) and those who who genuinely did care and still consider me family or friend. I have learned to trust my gut instincts after all that happened. My gut was telling me things and I kept believing what was TOLD to me rather than what my gut was saying and it drove me crazy. Lesson learned. Thanks for sticking around. 🙂

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